What’s My Part In It?

by: Anan Amos

After reading the article titled “What Happens to the Children”  by Dr. Hindie M. Klein that was printed in the Jewish Press ; I was somewhat stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I was agreeing with what was being said; yet on the other hand I was disturbed that to a certain degree many experts in the Mental Health Sector are missing some very big points.

divorceLet me elaborate:

This article focused on the children of divorcing and divorced homes. I think what the article was missing, and a little misleading to a certain degree, is the fact that these children will be affected for the rest of their lives no matter what. Furthermore, children that are from homes that have both parents there, nor necessarily will be any more mentally healthy than those from these broken homes. I feel that this article is misleading because I felt after reading, that we now have a solution to these children’s emotional feelings in these unfortunate cases. This is very not true, and as I started saying, I know many children personally who are emotionally unstable and their parents stayed married to each other.

The only way to have children emotionally stable – is by being emotionally stable oneself. If that requires going on medication, so be it; if it requires intensive therapy or even if it requires joining a Twelve Step Addiction Program; whatever it may be, that is one way to assure a healthy child. If you are sick, those that are around you and those who are influenced by you, will be sick too! Mental Illness is highly contagious.

An individual that does these steps for getting better; firstly is highly courageous and praiseworthy; secondly, this person is taking a huge step in changing his/her entire personality. A person that takes these steps of recovery becomes a completely new person that is not recognized. This gives hope to the actual marriage in itself.

I have been blessed to be around people who have done insane things in their pasts. There were more than enough reasons to divorce and in fact – it would have only been the right thing. Against all odds, and with some incredible effort and hard work from both spouses in the marriage, as well as intensive personal, couples, and family counseling, including the use of medications for people in the family who needed it. The marriage and relationship were saved and is better than ever. The children are now growing up with a loving and caring parent body that is unified, understanding and respectful of one another. One side sees the huge effort being taken of the other side and they both appreciate each other for sticking it through. They also have a better self-confidence, since they feel that they have rectified something that seemingly was impossible to! That is an incredible feeling!

loving puzzleThis is what bothers me most by all these articles. They start talking about the high divorce rates and how it affects our society, however they miss the most crucial points which should encourage people to work on themselves to change and be different. Encourage people, that indeed, it is possible to change, and encourage them to work harder on their relationships. If one divorces this spouse, what do they think will be the case with the next? Will it be better?

Remember “The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side” and “The Definition of Insanity, is Doing the Same Mistake Over and Over Again, Expecting Different Results”.

If one cares about their children, truly, the only way to assure that they will grow up to being moral, ethical, and mentally healthy children; is simply by being one yourself! No matter what relationship you will be in, no matter whether or not you end up divorcing, it all boils down to one thing…. What is my part in it? How am I being a healthy role-model to my surroundings (not only my children). This to me is the epidemic of this generation! I personally think that more Mental Health Professionals should focus on these points.

Just my simple and humble opinion.

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Daily Affirmation #14

Stop Worrying

 

Life is too short to keep worrying – Our imagination was given to us for much better use… Have fun with it – remember to smile 🙂

 

For awesome Daily Inspirational Stories – Check out Growing Above

 

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The Process of Recovery

I want to change things. I want to see things happen. I don’t want just to talk about them.John Kenneth Galbraith

10_7 MentorAndCoordinatorBased on: Hazelden Meditation Series
Edited to match the reader fan-base of this Blog by: Anan Amos

Individual

I feel as if I should be doing so much more than just staying in reading and listening to “self-growth” lectures. I feel that I’m not accomplishing much these days. I go to a coffee with a friend, I reach out and call another when I get home and then for some reason I feel so tired and out of energy afterward, that all I want to do is get into bed and have a nap. When I have a big block of time, I don’t know how to use it. I feel confused and discouraged. I feel like I am wasting time, perhaps I am doing something wrong?

Mentor

This point in growing is a time to be especially gentle with ourselves. When we look back at how we were feeling and what we were doing just before we entered this recovery, we can see that there is a major change. To be free from our negative behavior, to keep a commitment to a program of growth and recovery – this is nothing short of a total revolution in our lives. We have made a commitment to live, not to punish ourselves for not doing it faster and more perfectly.

The calling, the going out and the napping is by no means at all a waste of time. It’s important to get to know ourselves and take care of our needs. We can learn from one another, support one another during a phone call or a coffee meeting. The changes we’re experiencing are mirrored back to us by others who are undergoing similar transformations. It gives us experience, too, at being with people without the “help” of our negative past behavior.

We don’t have to worry about wasting time in early growth. It is a miracle that we can simply be.

Today, I let myself be.

 

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My Life is Now Inside Out – The Positive Kind


By: Hazelden Meditation Series

plant in handsWith a developing understanding of growing to a healthy new lifestyle, we sometimes might find it difficult to believe that our new way of life leads to personal freedom. Suppose, for example, I feel imprisoned in an uncomfortable job or troublesome personal relationship. What am I doing about it? In the past, my reflex reaction was to try to manipulate the things and people around me into being more acceptable to me. Today, I realize that happiness can’t be won that way.

Am I learning that freedom from despair and frustration can come only from changing, in myself, the attitudes that are perpetuating the conditions that cause me grief?

Today I Pray

May I be given clear eyes to see and then to stop myself when I am manipulating the lives of those around me, my daily associates, friends, and family. May I always be aware that change must begin within myself.

Today I will remember

Change from the inside out.

 

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My Challenges Are Tailored Perfectly For Me

There is always a “but” in this imperfect world. —Helen Keller

By: Hazelden Meditation Series

Often there is not a day that goes by without some tragic or upsetting news story. An act of terrorism, a natural disaster, or a school shooting can dominate the air waves and make it seem as if all there is in the world are tragedy, loss, and immeasurable sorrow. At those times when the world seems to be crashing down around you, you may be tempted to look at your own situation from a different perspective.

You may consider, for instance, how minor your challenges are compared to everything else that is going on. So you might tell yourself, “Okay, I think I have a problem with so-and-so, But maybe my problem isn’t so bad after all.” Or you may think.

Maintaining a positive attitude can be an extremely difficult task. But you make it more difficult whenever you spend more time trying to find excuses than doing what it is you need to do in your growth. While it is true that sometimes there is too much tragedy and negative news, such things should not be taken as reasons for you to take a break from your growth.

Today I will not excuse myself from my personal growth.

Getting What You Paid For – What’s It Worth?

Have you learned lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed the passage with you? —Walt Whitman

By: Hazelden Meditation Series

Wouldn’t it be grand if we could have everything our way! We’d have people at our beck and call. We’d never have to take responsibility for ourselves, never have to struggle for anything, and never be refused any wish or want.

But how would we mature? Learning involves gains based on the effort we expend. We learned early that we couldn’t listen to a music box unless we wound it. We learned we couldn’t get good grades unless we studied. And now we’ve learned we can’t change our behaviors without working on our growth.

If we can’t see the results of the energy we put into things, then our motivation, determination, and confidence can’t grow. Some things will come easily, some won’t. But the things we work on now will mean the most in the end.

I am not afraid to put energy into something I really want. I need to do this for my self-esteem.

Life – The Old and Wise Teacher

Grief and crisis . . . accept it as a wise teacher.

By: Hazelden Meditation Series

A couple has a child whom they would go to great lengths to protect, yet the child falls ill and lies near death. A woman devotes years to a career; then the economy shifts, leaving her unemployed. A man  slightly diverts from his path, and he loses everything he cares about. Life brings trial and defeat as part of its package. We would never choose defeat and we cannot avoid its pain, but we can accept it as a wise teacher. Out of defeat is born new strength.

We need wisdom to deal with defeat and grief. We will face them together more than once. The false comforts of self-pity and blame may tempt us in our pain, but they take much more from us than they give back. Through crisis we see clearly what truly counts in our lives, and we are better prepared to relish the pleasures when they arrive.