What do mean let go? What is that?
Clear the mind…
Yeah right easier said than done! How am I supposed to clear out my mind when all that is going on is not attended to? How am I supposed to shut my mind to what is happening around me?
Does this sound familiar to you? Well this is how my mind works, and that is on a good day!!! My mind tells me that I must analyze, prioritize, organize and categorize everything into groups and my whole life MUST make perfect sense.
Now someone who is considerably ‘sane’, or rather I should say ‘wise’, would easily identify this type of life management ‘insane’. Let me talk only about myself: I cannot continue living my life in this manner, it drives me nuts. I spend countless hours analyzing my entire life and surroundings, and when I cannot come to the type of result I am looking for; I start figuring out ways to how I can improve my situation. When that hypothesis fails, I go into the next batch of analysis, where I will analyze the components of whom and what is involved in the situation. Now I get the illusion of ‘control’. I think that I can make some kind of change if only I can figure out the person or if I identify the one wrong thing in this whole situation. If it is a person involved, I will hunt that person down and try to talk nicely to them. That doesn’t seem to work, I will find their friends and other manipulative way to get to them. Finally I come to the part where I give up and just say I cannot do this anymore and I “let it go”. I start working the program my therapist ‘prescribed’ to me; I do the phone calls, the breathing, the writing etc.
Lately this hasn’t been working for me, I am still overwhelmed and I am still stressed. I am physically exhausted and I have no energy for nothing. Why? Why is this ‘program’ not working for me? I let go? I did all what I needed to do? So now what?
It only hit me when I shared this with friends and mentors. I was told, that letting go was truly letting it go to God, humbly begging him to remove these challenges and give me the tools to deal with them. If I will be willing, He will. This still didn’t ameliorate my situation or my way of thinking, after all I am a creature of habit. It only hit me, once I was talking to an acquaintance of mine, where he brought up “why do you put everyone into categories? What makes you think that you can figure everyone out?” At first I had to defend myself “I have to put people into categories because I don’t trust them. I am scared people will hurt me as others have in the past. If I put them into general categories I will be better equipped as to who I associate with and with whom I don’t”. That is when it hit me, I realized that something was wrong; I realized that I had some defects of character that needed to be looked at. Maybe I should shut up and consider what he said. I promptly admitted my fault to him and I told him “that now thinking about it and actually materializing my thoughts into words, I came to realize that he had a point and I wanted time to think about it.” You see this is my way of mind; I need time to process everything!
A few days later I was told a story about a Rabbi teaching his students about connection to God and a higher power, that the cognizance of this higher power is not sufficient, we need to actively be aware of our surroundings and realize that nothing happens by chance, everything has a reason, everything that is told to us by anyone is a sign from God that He wanted us to hear it. (The story is much longer – therefore I won’t get into the details). The point I am trying to bring out with this is that I came to realize that I was in fact making my life more complicated. I needed to realize what is going around me. I then remembered another person telling me (the same day that I heard that story of the Rabbi) – that I think too much, stop it, who cares about what people are saying about me, or who cares what is going on. Now my mind was really racing. How does this all tie in? What message is God trying to send to me? What am I missing?
After much time of analysis (this time on myself), I realized that letting go is much greater than what I had originally thought. Until now, I tried figuring out and controlling my situation, when I came to see that I was lacking in control or that I was powerless, that is when I decided to let go. But that didn’t seem to work! Letting go, means in the beginning, not in the end. I am powerless, this is God’s will and that is where it ends. In the past I only hurt myself by analyzing and trying to figure everything out, I tried letting go, but it was too late, I am already all worked up and fueled with rage and resentment. How about I stop before that happens? Now that is a whole new way of life. This morning I took a long shower and instead of thinking “ok, how will my day go today? What do I need to do in order that it should turn out the way I would like it to?” I decided to pay attention at the hot stream of water coming down on me from the shower head. I started paying attention to each drop and which part of my body was it hitting. I then felt certain aches in my back and shoulders (I knew I needed a massage for a while for all the stress I was going through) – it actually felt good. This is when I switched the shower head to the “bullet” option and it started shooting the stream at intervals that had a massaging effect on my scalp, back and shoulders. OH MY GOD, what that the best shower ever… After something like thirty minutes in this shower, I was already having an amazing day. I listened to Susan Boyle’s “I Was Born to Be” on my iPod, not only did the song totally relate to what I was going through, but it was just so uplifting. I was having all the rushes of Adrenalin rushing around my body without the need of any drug, alcohol, sex or altering behavior. I was Free!!! I let go before I went into anything, I enjoyed the tiny little pleasures of life and I felt super amazing. Now this is a life I hope to continue living, but then I don’t know if I can manage every day with this type of attitude, after all I am unpredictable. None-the-less, I choose only for today to enjoy this attitude, I have no clue what will be tomorrow. When and if it comes, I will decide then. Today I am thinking of today, and that is really amazing!